i am making my triumphant return to reviewing monsterporn with the story of a sexual encounter between a lady and a baku.
for those of us who learned what a baku is from this excellent children’s book:
this story is a pretty shocking “where are they now?” exposé.
our fair heroine is named lori and she has a problem:
She’d been having terrible nightmares for three years now and was willing to try anything to stop them. The nightmares had ruined her sex life.
wait, what? i get the first sentence, but let’s pause a moment to unpack that second part: The nightmares had ruined her sex life.
no further explanation is given to illuminate that statement, but what the heck, lori? the only way her nightmares could be affecting her sex life is if she’s only attracted to necro-fetishists who want to have sex with her while she’s asleep. (internet gently corrects my terminology with the word somnophiliacs.) i’m not here looking to kink-shame anyone for how they choose to bone, and if sleeping thru sex is your jam, snooze it up, sister, but i don’t think that’s what’s going on here.
it would be one thing if she said it was ruining relationships, i can see how sleeping next to someone who is flailing around screaming and sweating the sheets soggy night after night would be off-putting, but even then—invest in a bunk bed, sleep on the couch—love finds a way. but sex? that’s usually a wide-awake kinda thing, no?
anyway, moving on—lori is determined to end this whole nightmare-woven chastity belt situation so she betakes herself to the Japanese Herbal Medicine shop, whose shopkeeper (who never gets his own name, and is only “the shopkeeper” throughout), tells her to come back at midnight to meet with baku.
“Don’t you think meeting back here at midnight seems a little, well, over the top?” she’d asked the shopkeeper.
i’m gonna go ahead and find & replace “over the top” with “rapey.”
the shopkeeper, who is apparently playing a word-based drinking game all on his ownsome, assures her that certain things must be done in certain ways, and meeting the Baku had certain requirements.
so she follows him down the stairs at the back of the shop, because nothing bad ever happens to young women who follow men whose names they don’t even know into strange basements late at night.
he points her to a door and, before leaving, instructs her to light some incense. so now she is alone in a fragrant candlelit room lined with “exotic cushions.” but before you start slamming lori for using adjectives that perpetuate asian stereotypes, hark this:
She was surprised that the room didn’t have a distinct Japanese feeling to it, the fabrics and patterns seemed to come from all over the world.
so she’s sitting there on the unracist exotic cushions
A sense of tiredness swept through her body. She’d had a long day and hadn’t been expecting a midnight consultation.
if the story hadn’t been so needlessly precise about the fact that lori had gone to the store at noon that day, i might have been able to let this slide without calling bullshit, but she has, in fact, been expecting a midnight consultation for twelve whole hours.
anyway, she has slipped into a half-slumber when baku appears. and he is a HOT mess.
The figure had an elephant’s head. Lori stared at the large, gray floppy ears. A long prehensile trunk hung from his face, it was pointed at Lori and seemed to be sniffing the air around her. Small, dark eyes watched her every move from across the room. Lori noticed a long, thin tail twitching behind the figure. Tiger paws and furry forearms were visible emerging from the sleeves of the loose fitting silk kimono.
lori is gently bewildered:
“I’m dreaming,” she muttered to herself.
This is not a dream, said a voice in her head. The figure had not moved, however Lori instinctively knew the voice came from the mismatched monster across the room. I’m not a monster, I’m a spirit that can help you. I devour dreams. Or in your case, nightmares. Such horrible images in your mind.
okay, hold up. i’m fine with him responding IN HER MIND to something she says out loud. i would also, being magnanimous w/r/t supernatural abilities, accept him responding IN HER MIND to something she thought IN HER MIND. but replying IN HER MIND to a description by the story’s omniscient narrator? that’s a no, johnny.
Lori didn’t believe the monster. She decided this was indeed a dream and to just play along with it until she woke up.
again, baku—this is the om narr calling you a monster, don’t hold it against lori. and by “it,” i mean that prehensile trunk of yours. but i’m getting ahead of myself—we’re still in the initial consult stage.
anyway, lori’s still telling herself this is a dream, and she’s chatting politely, and then baku, sidestepping the whole consent thing, uses just the tip of his long long trunk to tap her on the forehead and enter her…mind.
so his trunk is rooting around, scrabbling through her nightmares, causing lori intense flashbacks involving the cretin who had once been her fiancé and had hurt her deeply, and baku goes ahead and gobbles up “his presence.”
for clarity—does lori think nightmares are the same as memories? and is there some freudian angle on a soon-to-be-lover (spoiler alert) orally fixated on her former lover, devouring him out of existence?
baku is busy exploring all the nooks and crannies of her…mind with his “metaphysical appendage,” eating all her nightmares (memories?), leaving her empty inside. i’m not sure how metaphysics applies here, unless she’s still pretending this is all a dream, although being brainwashed in a basement by a chimera in a kimono is for sure the stuff of nightmares or police reports.
Lori felt like she should protest, that there was something deeply disturbing about this level of intimacy from Baku.
oh just you wait, sister.
once again, baku cheats on lori with the om narr:
Baku raised his tiger paws and placed the pads on each side of her face. Lori’s eyes opened wide. His hands felt incredibly real. Her previous dreams, even her nightmares, had never felt so real.
This is not a dream, do you not understand that yet? I’m spirit made flesh. Your nightmares provide sustenance for my physical form.
so he’s running his big old cat hands over her face and neck, unsheathing his claws and scratching her, giving her little shivery shivers along with, one presumes, all of the dirt and bacteria that gets lodged up underneath an animal’s claws.
and then this happens
As Baku devoured her nightmares, Lori started to remember the long suppressed dreams she used to have. The highly erotic dreams of her past now had room to grow in her mind. Dreams that had seemed unnatural then, but with the strange creature Baku standing in front of her they no longer seemed so impossible.
so….baku is…clearing her cache? does he work at the genius bar on the side? and what, specifically, was unnatural about lori’s erotic dreams? this seems to suggest she had been harboring some beauty and the beast fantasies along with the aforementioned (speculative) sleeping beauty fantasies and is there a lusty-beanstalk confession on the horizon? but truly, why is she being so vague and coy about her desires? this is monsterotica, after all—ain’t no one judging. much.
as the great-poet-turned-racist-crank once said:
Coyness is nice and coyness can stop you
From saying all the things in life you’d like to
So, if there’s something you’d like to try
If there’s something you’d like to try
Ask me, I won’t say “no”
How could I?
although, with baku, you don’t really have to ask, do you, since his wiggler’s all up in your innermost, snooping through your cranial dear diary.
the reader’s frustration over lori’s half-reveals are turned back on her in baku’s own bestial opacity:
He was inside her mind, but she had no idea what he was thinking.
typical relationship bullshit. monsterporn cosmo quiz: why won’t my baku talk about his feeeeeeelings?
and then that mofo uses his tiger claws to rip her shirt off, tearing the fabric and turning her shirt into a pile of “destroyed material,” before backtracking to do the same to her bra. the correct response to this kind of behavior is to punch him in the face while screaming, “do you know how much bras fucking cost?”
[She] panicked at how sharp his claws must be and prayed Baku was in control.
i mean, he’s poked around in your mind, you’re topless and your clothes are ruined, but sure, pray that the creature understands restraint.
lori’s version of panicking is very subtle—she neither moves nor addresses the fact that her boobies are hanging out nor wonders what she’s gonna wear when she leaves this basement (if she leaves this basement) and now he’s sliding his paws—scratch that—they are now being called ‘paw-like hands,’ all over her breasts, which appendage-evolution explains why he’s able to cup and massage ‘em like no catpaw i i ever saw.
The nightmare induced inhibitions of the last couple of years drained from Lori’s body as the Baku devoured the nightmares from her past.
wait, is this our explanation? the fact that she had nightmares when asleep made her sexually inhibited when awake so she didn’t put herself out there? but again this conflation of nightmares and memories is troubling and he’s essentially acting like a supernatural roofie taking her inhibitions and wiping clean the “nightmares from her past,” which most people call “memories” but whatever i guess, because, lori’s fired up enough by…whatever this is to remove baku’s kimono. “finally,” say the legion of horny monsterporn fans who have read 7 pages of a 14 page story without any sexxybits. “finally,” says i, because dudes in kimonos are cheesy.
Baku stood before Lori, unfazed by his sudden nakedness.
well, yeah—i suppose animals don’t have to deal with any of that pesky postlapsarian body shame. where’s the baku that eats all of that crap out of the mind, i ask you? because i want the confidence of a baku: unselfconsciously standing naked in front of a prospective new lover with his elephant head, tiger torso and arms, human abs (well defined, of course), human legs and penis (very large, of course) and a freaking tail, with no doubt in his mind that he’s about to get some. ‘course, he did just suck out most of his partner’s brain, but still: #aspirational.
anyway, he finishes draining her “nightmares.”
Lori searched her memory for the nightmares. There was no sign of them. Baku really had devoured her nightmares and left her only with good dreams.
how is she quantifying this nightmare v dream tally while she is awake? does lori know what nightmares are? do i know what nightmares are? am i inceptioning? or, oh shit—does she still think she’s asleep and dreaming here? and so maybe she IS just a somnophiliac, standing before a sexy wuzzle, asking him to intercourse her.
“They’re gone, they’re all gone. That’s amazing.” Lori shook her head slightly as if she could dislodge a nightmare still hiding somewhere in the recesses of her mind.
and maybe she can, since she seems to be able to check herself for nightmares the way the rest of us check for ticks. (i deeply regret the google image search i just undertook)
anyway, baku’s all hopped up on nightmare juice and lori’s brain is empty, so might as well go to town on his weird-ass body!
She encased the growing shaft in her fingers and measured the length and weight.
if literal, this is some bizarre foreplay and may be the real reason lori’s sex life is in a rut. no one wants to pause the bedroom action so you can run off to fetch your tape measure and weight watchers electronic food scale to catalog their junk, lori.
Lori licked the tip of his cock, tasting a male for the first time in years. The nightmares did not come back.
i appreciate the precision of the word “male” rather than “man” here, but i still don’t get this sex/nightmare mashup. was there an expectation that the nightmares would return with the taste of male genitals? fuck, is “nightmares” code for her sexual assault-related ptsd being triggered and now i’m gonna be scolded and made to feel shitty for this insensitive review by internet strangers for years and years like on so many of my other reviews?
fuck it, jake it’s
and dear editor, because i know firsthand how rigorous the editorial process is for monsterotica—on the first paragraph of this page, it says “A sound like a purr emanated from the figure standing over her” and then two paragraphs later on the same page it says “An odd, purring like noise emanated from Baku.” that’s my only note—the rest is literary perfection.
oh, right, the boning.
so baku positions lori onto a mound of “several exotic pillows and cushions”
and brings them claws back out. lori remembers how messy his disrobing game is so she buys the flowers herself:
Not wanting to have to walk home naked, Lori quickly reached down and undid the button of her jeans.
at least she’s thinking about the future now that all those dingdang nightmares aren’t clogging up her brainspace.
somewhere, a cognitive psychologist weeps.
and then it’s trunk time!!
and baku’s running his long snot tube all over her ladybits and she’s loving it but THAT WAS JUST IN YOUR BRAIN, LORI! a courtesy wipe, sir, please, if you will.
She squeezed her eyes shut. Lori couldn’t quite believe what was happening to her. She had never expected something like this.
fair dinkums—baku nose sex is on no one’s bingo card IRL, but anyone reading this thing saw chekhov’s prehensile trunk coming a mile away.
fun fact: when baku comes, he also raises his trunk towards the ceiling
and then it’s just normal het-sex—doggystyle, so she’s looking at the wall or something instead of her lover’s patchwork quilt zoo of a body. which is just as well.
She reveled in the moment. The nightmares were truly gone. And now she was creating all new dreams to take their place.
again—this is not what nightmares are. this is not what dreams are. but it may be what this story is.
and where did that rude om narr go? and, what, baku, now that you got your rocks off, you don’t talk to lori anymore via that creepy invasive mindspeaking? typical.
anyway, lori falls into a blissful sleep—without dreams or nightmares or whatever she means when she uses those words, and she wakes up alone. fortunately, baku has left his cheesy-ass kimono on the ground so she doesn’t have to walk home topless.
a sampling of icky sexual euphemisms:
wet sex, nether lips, button, sensitive bud, dripping slit, channel, impaling member, supernatural seed, commingled juices
tl, dr; to get rid of sex-squashing nightmares, a girl has sex with an actual nightmare.
AND THAT WAS MONSTERPORN, 2022-STYLE!!
FEBRUARY: Taken by the Scorpion
MARCH: Monsters Made Me Gay: Grim Reaper Group Encounter
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