what can you expect when v.d. burns joins forces with clapp?? a double feature of highly refined literature that challenges us intellectually and reminds us what it means to be a reader, and how the written word can force us to re-examine our place in the culture that consumes us and can soothe our solitary insomniac “what does it all mean” woolgathering?
cracker, please. this is jizzgore at its finest and you know it. this is chocolate meeting peanut butter for the first time and bending it over a park bench in the middle of a playground full of catholic schoolgirls. this. is. greg’s. mom.
and for all of you who thought that my taking a one-month break from the YA meant i would only be reading highbrow classics with impeccable pedigrees are clearly thinking of someone else.
book one: fuzzy piranha.
a timeless story of man vs. evolutionarily-precocious fish, and one which highlights burns’ sensitivity to the plight of the modern woman and how we are all still trying to get the hang of the existential anguish that comes with freedom. also, brotherhood, patriotism, and why brown people what live in the jungles will never amount to much of anything. oh, and the beauties of intercourse and the mystery of menstruation revealed!
i think this sentence is probably all you need to know to determine whether you are awesome enough for this book:
Howard grabbed hold of his asphyxiated wife’s semen-covered breasts and screamed as the whole motley crew went over the side into the unknown.
plus an added bonus of an ending you will never see coming because you are not a fucking lunatic with the drools and the love of pointy things and playing with buttons.
an easy five
book two: stab of the screwnicorn.
this is albert c. clapp’s contribution to literature, and it is a winner, by any definition.
this story takes an incident from the piranha story and just runs away with it into its own story. what a country! it opens with a phil collins quote and uses the master lyricist as a springboard into a tale of good intentions gone sour because of the ironic blindness of a visionary scientist caught up in his own efforts to improve our way of life on this spinning planet that lurches into a tale of zombie unicorns and revenge! also anal sex and a bizarre interlude about the failure of public works projects. and unicorn sex!! what could be better? why are you not reading this right now at this very minute???
i am pretty sure this work will win every major literary award this year, so read it now so you can say you read it when.